(in total depravity)
WASHINGTON – In national standings Barney Frank, driver of the number 77 NAMBLA – Che Guevara – Marxism – ACLU – Monte Carlo pulled into the lead. He said he owed his edge over any sane thinking drivers to his media pit crew: “Every time we got a little loose on the turns, I’d pull in, and the Communist National News and Almost Bolshevik Crew would bury the problems, fine tune my wheels of public perception, and they gave the dirtiest most twisted sounding engine nothing but a smooth purr over the airwaves, so the O – fans in the stands could still get a thrill. Now that’s ‘change I can believe in!’ ”
Frank held on in the standings despite a big push from Pelosi’s Number 0 –Total Pork – Socialism – San Fran Sellout – UnFairness Doctrine – Chevrolet. Her Mostly Senseless Now Boring Chatter crew made some last second muffler adjustments that kept her out of the limelight in the whiner’s circle. She’ll have to make some major adjustments, stay off the TV, and concentrate on sucking up to racing commissioner Barack Obama in order to improve her position. Bubba Clinton, long time Pelosi fan, said, “Y’all know the big O likes attention, and no one has the bigtime monster suck up power like Pelosi. I’m confident when Brown Nose adds their endorsement, she’ll have the extra dollars she needs to head back to the left coast with a fat pile of winnings in that giant beautiful Porkulus Cup”
Kommissioner Obama was aware of teams shifting money around, saying that if there was any hint of scandal, his VP of racing, Rahm Emanuel, would be sure to put good use to it. Fans praised Commissioner Obama last week for his bold move in collecting all their purses and wallets at the entrance gate, and then dumping the money onto the racetrack right at the start, allowing drivers to reach out their windows and make a mad grab for every scrap. Officials said that on the 500 lap race, all 50 drivers would have had to collect over 31 million, on every single lap, for the cash to not be squandered in the hands of the starving taxpaying fans that keep cheering them on. Commentators noted that it was highly unlikely we’d know where all the money really went, because a cash pile that size would just end up getting blown by the winds of change. Fans were only slightly disappointed at the prospect of not having the choice of buying their favorite caps, T-shirts, or autographed lug nuts, but hopes bolstered when Obama showed up on the jumbotron last week letting fans know they would soon get whatever they wanted. On a technical note, not one of the drivers and even commissioner Obama seemed to notice the fact that the fuel trucks hadn’t shown up, and cars on the track would soon be coasting to a stop. Over the P.A. at last week’s race, Obama said we needed to do the cash grab to keep the race going, yet he promised that each car experiencing a fuel starvation episode would be given it’s own personal tow truck to yank it around for the remaining laps. In order to finance the massive towing effort, insiders say that he might have to sell off the entire racing business. Yet B.O. said the cash dump was just a start. He said he hoped that the changes he hoped for would change things for the better, but he wasn’t quite sure.
(This article in response to the conservative email bit going around about how members of congress should have to wear their endorsements all over their jackets like NASCAR drivers. Photo credit goes to “TheRagingCapitalist.” I was also going to come up with a slick congressional twist acronym for N.A.S.C.A.R. but I didn’t want to insult … NASCAR drivers, crews, and fans).